AllieKat1996

I want to scream. I want to pull my hair and cry. I want to shout out to the world "Help me!" because I feel like I'm drowning. I want to punch the wall and break my hand and show everyone just how pissed off and scared and depressed I am.

I know that at the very least I'm giving off the vibe that I am discontent with things, but... I'm not crying and pulling my hair. I'm not throwing fits. I'm not breaking down where anyone can see, because right now, they don't need my mess. They're happy. I have no right to do anything that might upset that.

I'm late. SO SO late applying to college. I'm falling behind in my schoolwork. I only really have one friend I hang out with. I can't even get along with my family. I'm overwhelmed, and I can't even get the things I enjoy done right because I'm so freaked out by everything else. And goddamnit, I KNOW I have no one to blame but myself.

The one thing that takes my mind of everything is my writing. Most often with my best friend. I'm so SO happy for her. But I'm also terrified that the things we do are going to fall to the wayside, and I can't even begin to handle that. It cripples me with fear that the one thing I can hold on to might soon be gone too.

And it's selfish. So I won't mention it. Just here... where I know only a few people look, and that there are only a few who will care, and fewer still who will comment because you guys hardly know me. But I need to let it out somewhere. So why not here? Where few will see...

I'm falling apart.

Hey you guys. I just want you all to know that if you want to see the meat of my work-- well, it's in my scrapbook. The reason most of it is there is because I only consider very few drawings worthy of enough attention to colour and pretty them up. I have a good number of pretty okay sketches that I stick in the scrapbook because I don't feel like colouring them. I don't feel like submitting them into my main gallery, because I don't want them polluting it. lol.

Additionally, I would like to say that I am very pleased with the feedback I've been getting. Within minutes of submitting things, I've been getting favs and comments-- from people who I don't know! It's rewarding to know that people look at my art xD So thank you, all of you out there that stop by and peek in. I appreciate it.

It has been a long time since I put a journal up here. A lot of things have happened since I last put one up! Number one, I AM SINGLE. AND I'M LOVING IT. No more angsty "he's ignoring me boo hoo!" Allie... I am free, I am doing things, I am having fun, and I couldn't give less of a shit as to whether or not he's paying attention to me or not. Don't get me wrong, we're still friends and all... but holy shit we were nooooot a good couple. I like being his friend MUCH better than being his girlfriend. So yeah, single for the first time in a year and a half.

Am I looking? Nah, not really. There is no one at my school I'm interested in... highschool boys kinda suck There's no one outside of school that I'm interested in either. Sadly, all of the attractive men I've been running into are... well, *older* men. So for the moment being, I will content myself with admiring all the pretty men. There is only one prospective, and let me tell you, that is a far shot from what is attainable. He's a boy I've never met or spoken to... so I may not even like him when I meet him some day! But I have heard a lot about him. He used to keep my aging great-grand-father, Popo, company. A young man by the name of... Christian? I'm told he's tall, and thin. His hobby is geology, like me! He lives all the way up in NY... I don't know him at all. I'm probably just being silly... but I have a feeling. Weird, huh? Lol I'm gonna be so disappointed if he's a total loser when I meet him... plus I'll never trust one of my "feelings" again hahah.

In other news... not a lot. I write, I eat, I sleep, I school, and I write. Sometimes there's some drawing thrown in there. I've been sick as a dog for a few months. That kinda sucks... My immune system needs to come back from vacation.

I watch the news, I'm aware of all the bullshit going on. You wanna see my political, about current events rants, go to my facebook. If you're not on my facebook, you don't need to see my political rants

My family... political bullshit, the same as always. This, that. No, not everybody is doing okay. Don't really feel like talking about it. It's complicated.

So, I've done this thingy before. I'mma do it again! Let's see what's changed. Stuff on the left is new, stuff on the right is old.

GIRL'S CONFESSIONS:


1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Never! ~~~~ If I'm sleeping over at a guy's house and only then
2. Do you sleep with socks on?
still no ~~~~ nope

3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
With someone! Unless it's a creepy stalker dude. ~~~~ depends on who someone is- though usually alone

4. Do you enjoy drama?
No... ~~~~ nnooooot really...

5. Are you a girly-girl?
Still never ~~~~ Psh. Never.

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
LOL, Dad! ~~~~ Uhhhhh... My dad..?

7. Small or large purse?
Small. Less room for crap. ~~~~ LARGE. More room for more stuff.

8. Are you short?
No comment ~~~~ I'm not short, my temper is. I'm not short, I'm funsized. Or something like that.

9. Do you like somebody?
No! muahahahahahaha and it's awesome ~~~~ Yeeeaaaaah...

10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
No. Duh ~~~~ Nope

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Ew? ~~~~ Nu durty sox!!! Wuvs cwean sockses :3

12. Do you think you're alone sometimes?
...Lemme think about it... ~~~~ noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... (sarcasm)

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
ALWAYS ~~~~ DUH. I dress up when it isn't Halloween!

14. Are you double jointed?
I hope this hasn't changed ~~~~ I sure am

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
On the floor of ConVal  ~~~~ On the toilet

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
Yeeeaaah buddy! ~~~~ Nope... not that I can think of...

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Sure is. I guess now that I'm single again, everyone has once again decided to spread rumours that I'm lesbian. That's totally why I dated a dude for a year and a half... *eyeroll* ~~~~ Plenty

18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
So. Many. People. ~~~~ Yep. I call Andrew French 'Frenchy'

19. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"?
Tch. Probably not any ~~~~ Probably not any I know!

20. Check of those that apply:

[/] ~[  ] I do wear make up  
[x] I have cried in a movie theater
[x] ~[ ]I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] ~[ ] I get jealous.
[X] I think Johnny Depp is sexy (heheheheh)
[ ] ~[x] I like death/grind/black metal.
[x] I like rap (OLD BEP)
[x]I like techno
[Is there an complete NO NEVER AGH?] I like country
[/] I carry a purse
[X] I'd be lost without my computer
[ ] I own a Spice Girls CD
[ ]I own a Britney Spears CD
[ ]I own a boy band CD
[x]I get bored watching football
[ ] I've never been called a spoiled brat
[x] Guys are confusing
[x] I've been called a bad influence

BE TRUTHFUL

21. What color is your bra that your wearing?
Not wearing one ~~~~ Fading pink... (why???)

22. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Okay, despite the fact that the last guy I dated was blond, I honestly prefer darker haired guys-- unless it's red. I take red over anything ~~~~ Both!

23. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
YES ~~~~ Not particularly

24. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Be a nerd, not be an asshole. ~~~~ You can't MAKE me like anyone. I usually like guys that are smart, funny, and not assholes though.

25. Do you have a best friend?
YESSIREEEEE ~~~~ Sure do

26. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Hmmm, lemme think... ~~~~ Heart? What heart? I wasn't aware I had any left.

27. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Nah ~~~~~ Only if I end up getting a nose like a particular relative of mine's... only then...

28. Do you like your life?
Suuure. Could be better, but what the hell, might as well like what I have! ~~~~ Not right now I don't

29. WHERE DID YOU GO?
STILL AOSHOKIA!! ~~~~ AOSHOKIA!!!

30. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boy/girl-friend from you?
Um... no? That'd be weird. ~~~~~ THEY WOULDN'T DARE *scary face*

31. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
Yes. ~~~~~ HEHEHEHEHEH. YUP.

32. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
Sadly... yes... ~~~~~ It's about equal I think

33. How long have you had a facebook?
Feck. Like... Five years? ~~~~ Three years..?

34. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
Yes. Yes I have > ~~~~ Ohohohoho YES

35. What are your biggest fears?
~~~~ Nothing. Literal nothingness. Even if there is nothing after death, so long as I'm remembered in some way it isn't complete nothing. In other words, I'm afraid of nonexistence.

36. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
~~~~ Most definitely.

37. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yeah. But my mind is clear now -w- ~~~~ It is especially annoying when you're trying to tell yourself you don't like that person.

38. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater?"
~~~~ I don't, actually. I've seen so many cases... I just won't go into that.

39. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yes ~~~~ Yep

40. Do you ever wish you were famous?
I want to be a famous writer ~~~~ Not in the sense of being on TV. Maybe being a famous geologist or writer...

41. Are you currently missing someone?
I... yes, I do. ~~~~ YES YES YES

42. Cowboy or Gangster?
~~~~Gangster

43. Preppy or Punk?
~~~~Punk

44. Face or Body?
~~~~Face

45. Good cook or take you out a lot?
~~~~Heheheheheheheheheh... Good cook DEFINITELY

46. Sweet or sexy?
Sexy. I could go for a guy that's not shy right about now. On the other hand, a mix of the two would be nice ~~~~ Gotta love those awkward sweethearts

47. Armani or Abercrombie?
~~~~I don't DO name brands. I just do my own style

48. Contacts or glasses?
Glasses. I tried contacts. I never got accustomed to them. ~~~~ Contacts. I keep breaking/losing my glasses

49. Have you ever had sex in RL?
Still a virgin gal, though I've kissed plenty now ~~~~ No. I haven't even KISSED never-mind screw

50. Have you ever thought you'd marry a guy you dated?
Still ~~~~ Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I don't really know what to say. Hi, guys. It's been a while. I haven't uploaded for weeks. Well... I don't know. I've been drawing some things, though I haven't gotten any of it up here.

I'm going through a... phase. At any time I can be perfectly happy, the next horribly depressed. I'm thinking this is crappy hormone teenagerness.  Seeing as these bouts of unhappiness are unwarranted, that's the only explanation I can offer. There is a depressing lack of snow. What a warm winter! I have money to go skiing with, but I don't think I want to until there's a bit more snow.

The way things are, life is great. I have every reason to be very happy. A lot of the time I am. I just get to be a real downer sometimes. I think I get upset too easily. Every little thing... I wouldn't say it offends me, more just, hurts my feelings. I'm too quick to think someone's bad mood is my fault.

I don't get into half as much trouble anymore. Life at home seems to have settled down... for me, at least. I'm not sure just what changed, though some things still stand. There's still a certain coldness here. My grandparents successfully made me feel so very guilty about something, I couldn't help crying. I tried to stop, I didn't want to be a downer. It was after all, Christmas morning.

Maybe I've just gotten more used to it. I don't know. Even so, life has improved. Especially in school. I have real friends now... people who like me for me. People who don't try to force things down my throat. People who don't try to CHANGE me. At least in school, I feel the love

So, there's no real point to this. Just thought I'd update you guys, I guess. Interpret it how you will.

TTFN!

*Happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappy*!!!!
Pretty sure it's unnatural to be this happy.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
<3
This is a contented Allie
That is all.